To nine year old Logan

 My Logan,

I cannot believe how time is flying. You are nine. Nine isn't really a milestone year and seems to have come on without really realizing it. Regardless, you are growing up so much.

This year has been a really interesting year to watch you. You are coming into your own. You have fallen deeply in love with basketball this year. In years past you have liked it, but now it is on your mind all the time. You have made goals to go practice shooting hoops every day for set amount of times and you have tried to keep those goals. You had a dream to see Steph Curry play and for Christmas Dad took you and Ethan to an NBA game of the Warriors vs. the Jazz. You are constantly organizing your basketball cards and asking about each of the players. All of your recesses at school are devoted to playing basketball. You have been practicing with Ethan's travel basketball team since Dad is the coach and even got to play in one of their games when their team got ahead! In just the past year you have improved SO MUCH! I have loved watching you develop this way. Yesterday we watched you play in your first Rotary Basketball League game and it was so fun. You are confident and aware and Dad says you have a "dead eye" for your shot!

School is easy for you academically. When I met with your 3rd grade teacher this past fall this was how our conversation went:

"So for reading...Logan is...amazing. He has great comprehension and intonation. He is way above reading level. He sometimes gets distracted reading but I hate to get on him for it because, well, he's reading! 

"In writing...Logan is...amazing. He is the best writer in the class and way above grade level. He adds details and writing techniques that are quite advanced. It's really fun to read his writing.

"In math...Logan is...doing awesome. He really understands the principles and has great questions. If Logan doesn't do well on a test, like happened a couple weeks ago, no one did well but when I saw that Logan didn't do well then I knew something was wrong, I knew I didn't explain something well enough."

You asked the deepest questions, give the deepest answers and constantly are thinking. Out of nowhere you will share a fact or ask a question and it is apparent you have been thinking about it for awhile before you share. 

You have been such a TEASE this past year. You are frustrated when others tease you but you sure like to dish it out. You have also had a hard time with Clara. You sometimes feel like you are treated unfairly compared to her. This is so hard. You are sometimes a very black/white thinker and think Clara should be held to your same standard even though she is 2.5 years younger than you. When just you two are together though you have so much fun. A couple of weeks ago I came home and you two were playing a game where you would go downstairs in the dark and scare yourselves and run upstairs and then laugh your heads off! And last night we went skiing as a family. Dad and Ethan ended up going off to Chair 3 while you and Clara ate pizza. When we went back outside Cohen and I went to the magic carpet while you and Clara alternated going down Chair 6 and then coming back over to the magic carpet. You were having a blast together and were squealing in delight. It was SO fun.

Sometimes you and Dad bash heads. You and Dad are SO much alike in your thinking. You both love to tease but have a hard time being teased back :). You both like to think deeply about things and because you think deeply you don't always trust that everyone else has been thinking deeply about the same topic. When you clash you can both get so frustrated because you can't always get the other person to understand your point of view. And you are also a lot like me. You are sweet and sensitive and you don't want anyone to be too hard on you. I am the same way.

You are a great brother. You can be so sweet and fun to Clara, but also the boys. Ethan and you are buddies. You still share the bottom bunk while the top bunk goes unused. You and Ethan get creative together and build or plan fun things. Cohen does not see you as a comforter (see the note about you being a tease above) so he won't go to you if he is hurt, but if he is looking for some fun he LOVES to be with you. You guys laugh and wrestle and have the best time together. It fills my heart so much.

I can't wait to see who you are going to be when you grow up. You will be successful at whatever you do. You have a love and a thirst for knowledge that is incredible. I love the deep discussions we have during scripture study because of you. You know the answers to everything but also want to know MORE than you already know. It is pretty impressive. 

I am SO grateful that you are my boy. I cannot express how much I love you and how special you are to me. 

To Eleven Year Old Ethan

Oh, my Ethan. You are eleven! Last night we sat and talked about what happened the day before you were born and the events leading up to your birth. It was quite the whirlwind of events. I had no idea what motherhood would bring me then. It has turned out to be the best part of my life.

When you were four Dad and I would think about how when you were 12 you would be old enough to babysit. Around your ninth birthday we mourned a little bit because we thought you would never be "mature" enough to babysit. By the time you were 10 we couldn't believe how much you had changed and grown up! We started leaving you at home by yourself or with Logan while I went to the store. While the pandemic was going on I was trying to sell the second of a set of townhomes we built and I had to meet up with potential buyers during the day. I would leave you home while Cohen napped and you older three watched a movie and you did such a good job! This spring Dad and I went on a couple of dates out to dinner while you stayed home in charge of the other three kids and watched a movie. It was so fun to know you were responsible enough to handle watching everyone.

 This winter and spring you saw a therapist about 10-12 times and he helped you work on some things you were having trouble with. I know school is long and tedious for you and it wears down on you. Clara also has had a rough year where she has been nearly constantly on steroids and she has been a bear to live with. These things transferred over to you in ways that were making it hard for you to be your best self. You are doing so great now though. I am proud of you.

Now you are 11. Each year you have grown up so much, I am excited to see how much you change and learn this year.

You have so many strengths Ethan. You are quick to understand anything mechanical. We went to the Kaltschmidt's house last year and they had a bike that was broken. You fixed it in minutes and Shanna was so impressed, her husband Eric hadn't been able to figure out what was wrong but you took care of it like it was nothing. Dad's bike got a flat tire and I needed it fixed this past week. Dad was out of town and I knew I would need your help (I've always been afraid of changing a back tire). You helped me get the tire off, found the hole, showed me how to check the tire for the cause of the hole and we found the tire had a huge crack in it. We have an extra bike that we took the tire off of and you manhandled both tires so expertly. You knew where to be rough on it and you popped the tire on better and faster than I was doing! You love following Dad around and tinkering with him and you remember everything. You have impressed me so many times with your knowledge of where things are or how to do things when Dad is gone and I need help. You really are turning into a young man.

You are a goer. You don't like to sit around. You have energy to burn and you need to be moving. Dad said last year at the father-son campout you ran with friends for hours. Around midnight the boys started to calm down and you went to sit on his lap and looked like you were falling asleep-but then some boys ran past and you saw them and off you were again, playing for a few more hours until Dad made you go to bed! Dad said it was like you put in a second set of batteries! A few weeks ago you were out playing until 9:00PM at Lucas Sherrill's. Katie texted at around that time asking if you could just stay the night. You stayed up and played for awhile yet and stayed over. Then you and Lucas came back to our house and we went mountain biking in the morning. When that was over we went to Nana's to get the littles and played there a bit. After Lucas went home you were raring to go still and wanted more friends to come over! Everybody else needed down time and you were ready for more fun and excitement!

You are such a good helper. You are getting better at being thorough in your chores. You know how Dad likes things put away and done in the yard and you can take care of so many things. You treat Logan like a peer and don't have a ton of extra patience for him (but you guys have become such good friends over the past two years) but you can be so sweet to Clara and especially Cohen. Cohen adores you and wants to be with you all the time. 

You have faith in the gospel. You aren't a big talker so I don't always know what is going on in your brain but when you share about the gospel you are very matter of fact and you clearly have faith. For years you have said you would never serve a mission because you didn't want to miss out on what was going on at home. During this past year we have made an effort to share about our missions more and several young men who you admire have gone on or are planning on going on missions during the last year and during this last year you started saying "if" I go on a mission. Just a few weeks ago you said "when I go, you know, if I do". It has been a neat little transformation to watch. We would never force you to go and if you decide not to we will understand, but we just didn't want you making that decision as a 9 year old self.

You always have plenty of things to do with Dad. Dirt biking, yard work, garage work and tinkering. But you and I don't always have a lot to do together. Last summer we started mountain biking together and it was so fun! You would chat with me in the car on the drives to and from and it was the closest I have felt to you in awhile. Dad and I also read Harry Potter to you guys this winter and you would snuggle up to me to listen every night and I LOVED it. I am so glad you are still wanting to sit with me and I will take advantage as long as it lasts.

Thanks for being such a good kid. Dad and I aren't perfect, and we are making a lot of our parenting mistakes on you since you are our first to go through so many experiences. We are sorry about that. We appreciate how resilient you are and we hope that you can keep growing into the awesome young man that you are despite our mistakes.

We love you so much. We are so grateful for the energy and drive you bring into our house. Thank you for being who you are. 

Love, Mom

To Six Year Old Clara

 Oh, my baby girl.

This year has been a rough one. Even though it has been just over three years since you were diagnosed with nephrotic syndrome, this year has been the toughest. I had been so optimistic through it all. I knew the Lord would take care of you. I trusted that we would have a best case scenario and that you wouldn't relapse again. And then that the first medication (after prednisone) Mycophenolate would work for you. Then after a year and a half of that working I was sure the next one, Tacrolimus, would work. There was a six month period where it was working, but then you were complaining about stomach aches a lot last May so I took you in for a blood draw to check your Tacro trough levels. Well they were high. We dropped the dose and you started relapsing again. And again. And again. Your blood draws showed such inconsistent levels and we were constantly adjusting. You have had over 20 blood draws this past year. That is probably an underestimate. You ended up in the hospital in September because after you started relapsing the prednisone just wasn't working fast enough and you retained too much water. They had to give you infusions of albumin and lasix. Then you kept relapsing. So we had to schedule a kidney biopsy in January and then infusions to try the third and final drug available for your condition. I was a mess for months leading up to it. I have been so worried about it if would work or not and if the these Retuxin infusions worked that would mean your immune system would be wiped out. Its terrifying. But what choice did we have? You were an emotional mess because of the steroids and the doctors and you were miserable at home. We did the infusions in February. Once a week for four weeks we went in for 10 hour long infusions. Those days were long and hard on both you and me. But the instant the last one was over with it was like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders and your anxiety was gone. You were lighter and happier and our household started to get along again. You have been in therapy since November too which I think has helped you immensely. 

We did a blood draw a few weeks ago to get a B-cell panel done and you have a zero count of B-cells! That is good news because it means the infusions worked and hopefully you can go 6-18 months without relapsing! At the same time I know that B-cells are an important part of your immune system and I am sick to my stomach that you had to do this drastic of therapy. The good news is though, that in March we got COVID-19 and you were definitely sicker than the other kids but you still did quite well through it. And we just had a cold this past weekend and you were sicker longer than the other kids but you have pulled out it just fine. And the best part is that you haven't relapsed! It seems as though every time you get sick, you relapse and become nephrotic again-but not since the infusions. I'm starting to feel relief for sure.

You are such a spunky little thing. You know your own mind and you aren't afraid to share it. It's hard some times, but you are so good at communicating that you can explain your position very eloquently and you can listen to other people's sides as well.

You have a hard time being the only girl. You want the boys to play dolls and make up with you (and Cohen is happy to most of the time) but you still wish you had a sister. I wish you had one too. But you are tough and you love your brothers.

You got your ears pierced on your birthday. You have wanted to for months. I am so proud of you. You were afraid of the needle and of it hurting and I didn't know if you would go through with it. I was a little surprised because I didn't know if you would willing get poked after so many medical pokes but you kept your cool even though I could tell that it hurt and you had some tears forming in your eyes. And when you were done you were so excited and I knew that you were proud of yourself. I'm proud of you too. 

I am so glad I have you. Your spunk and sass sure add to our life and our family. You say the most clever things and make Dad and I laugh every day. I can't imagine my life without my darling daughter. We have so much fun together and I can't wait for all the adventures we will get to do together!

Love, 

Mom

To Eight Year Old Logan

You are eight years old today. I can hardly believe it. You have so, so many strengths. You are advanced in every subject in school. You not only absorb information like a sponge, you also mull that information around in your head constantly which means you have such deep thoughts for a kid your age. You understand so very much. A year ago you were nervous about getting baptized. We had talked about it being a serious commitment and I think that made you think twice. For about five months you told us that you didn't know if you would get baptized at age 8, maybe you would wait until you were 9 or 10, which we said would be up to you. About seven months ago we started reading the lessons in Preach My Gospel with you in depth. You already knew a lot but it was good to take our time and dive deep into each lesson. At the end Dad challenged you to get baptized and you accepted. You really took your time thinking about it and learning and understanding, and you finally decided you were ready. I am glad you are taking this decision seriously and I am glad you have had several spiritual experiences in the last year that have helped you come to know that God is real and present in your life.

You are also a huge tease. You know just how to push Ethan and Clara's buttons. You love to get a rise out of our family members-even Dad, Cohen and I! You adore Ethan and want to do everything with him. You are kind and loving to Clara most of the time too. When she needs someone to play with you will willing play whatever game she wants to. Cohen doesn't like to snuggle with you (he knows what a tease you are!) but when he wants some rough housing, giggly play he almost always seeks you out to play! He thinks you are so fun!

I feel bad sometimes that you are the "middle" child. Ethan gets a lot of attention just because he is the oldest and so the first to do many things. Clara is our only girl and has her kidney disease which all gives her lots of attention. And Cohen, being the baby, gets endless attention from all you kids but also lots of attention from me that he needs. Sometimes I worry I am not giving you all the attention you need. But you are thriving. Just when I think I am not doing a good job as a parent you will come up and hug me and thank me for being a good mom. You are the first to be a peacemaker. You are often the first to say sorry or the first to serve. You can get angry and mad but you know how to change your attitude around and forgive. I am so grateful for what you bring to our family. You are one special kid. I seriously don't know what I would do without you. You ground me and, without knowing it, you give me strength to face the hard days. You have been a light in our life since the day you were born and you continue to bring joy in ways I could have never imagined. Thank you for being YOU. Who you are is so precious to me. 

To four year old Logan

Logan,

Oh my, you are a goofball. You have always been my sweet, tender, darling boy and then you had to go and turn four and turn into this goofy, button pushing, giggly boy! You love to be chased and you love to be tickled. You still have a serious, thoughtful side to you but I think that you are getting so comfortable with the world around you that you can be sillier than you ever have been.

I wanted to write about what a deep thinker you are. When you calm down from all your silliness you share with Dad and I some pretty amazing thoughts that are swirling around in that little blonde head of yours.

You're teachers at church just love you. Technically you should still be a sunbeam but we put you in Primary a year early. We weren't going to, we didn't want to be those parents. But you cried every Sunday after moving to Montana you did NOT want to go to nursery. You have always been uncomfortable around people you don't know well, but even after 10 months in the ward you just wouldn't go to nursery without a lot of tears. In the month of December, before you turned 3, every time we would tell you it was Sunday and we had to get ready for church you would break down in tears and scream and cry and tell us that you WERE NOT going to church. It became so bad. I couldn't bear that you hated church at such a young age! The Primary president knew all about you told us to just move you up to Primary early if we thought it would help you. I politely declined saying you would be fine. But that first Sunday in January you cried the most you ever had about getting ready for church, it was like you were traumatized! So before I could even think I said, "Guess what?? Today you get to go to Primary with Ethan!" You stopped crying immediately. "I do?? YAY!!" You were so excited you threw on your church clothes, immediately loved your Sunbeam teachers whom you had never met, and never complained about church again! (well, at least not for a very long time :)). Anyway, despite the fact that you shouldn't be in CTR 4 you are often the only kid in your class that shows up for Primary. You have had several teachers over the past year and a half but they have always been impressed by you. They tell me stories about amazing and funny things you have said. Here are a few:

One teacher started her lesson by telling a story: "There once was a boy that went into a store with his Mom. In the store he put a piece of candy in his pocket and took it home without paying for it. What did the boy do wrong?" You responded: "He ate candy, and candy makes you weak!" Haha, your teacher laughed but corrected you and said, "No, he was stealing candy!" We've been learning the 10 commandments at home and you immediately shouted out: "Thou shalt not steal, and thou shalt not covet!"

Every Sunday Dad reads Bible stories to you kids out of an illustrated Bible book set we have. You and Ethan know so many Bible stories because of it-some of them I have never heard of! One week in class your teacher started to tell a story out of the manual about a man she had never heard of. She started telling that story of a man who wanted to see Jesus but he was too short so he climbed into a tree so that he could see Jesus as he passed by. You got excited and interrupted, "yeah, that's Zacchaeus!" and then you proceeded to tell about how nobody liked him because he cheated people out of money, etc, and how Jesus wanted to eat dinner with him and he repented and changed and then the people liked him. Your teacher was amazed that you knew this random Bible story!

During singing time in Primary we were singing Nephi's Courage. We got to the line that says, "when I'm discouraged" and Sister Kaltschmidt asked if anyone knew what discouraged meant. You were the only kid that raised his hand. She asked you what it meant and you said, "discouraged means that you couldn't do something and you feel sad, but you can just keep trying and maybe you'll be able to do it!" All the adults made an "ahhh" sound at such a wise answer from a little four-year-old.

During scripture study you often get serious and start talking about thoughts you have been having. Sometimes I don't know what in the world you are talking about ;), but sometimes you say the most profound things! The other night you said, "Dad, Satan knows what is right, he just wants us to do what is wrong." It wasn't a question. Ethan, sitting on the top bunk, scoffed a little, "no he doesn't!" he said. Then we explained to Ethan that you were right-Satan knows exactly what is right, he just doesn't want us to be happy. You have such a wise spirit-you understand so much at such a young age!

You've learned this year about how a sign with a picture covered by a circle with a line crossed through it means that that thing in the picture is not allowed (like a no smoking sign). I was driving along with you kids in May and we crossed some railroad tracks. You noticed the Railroad Crossing Sign (the one with the two Rs and the crossing X). You said to me, "Mom! That sign said 'No Rs on the road', but that's silly," he gave a little giggle, "because Rs are letters and they can't drive!"

Lolo turned four!

Lolo,

My sweet, darling boy. You turned four! I can't believe it. For some reason it is easier for me to believe that my oldest kid will grow up, but not you. I can't believe you aren't a baby any more.

I love you with all of my heart. You are your own unique boy and Dad and I just love who you are. Sometimes, when you do or say something, we just laugh and shake our heads and say: "That is SO Logan!" You are particular about things. At Christmas and your birthday when you receive presents you keep them all close together and will not tolerate anyone touching or moving them. You have an order to your things and you always know where to find them. And your toys always get put away on there shelf where they go.

You are a sensitive boy. You feel things deeply. You can get hurt feelings but you also care about what other people are feeling. If anyone looks sad you will hug and kiss them or share your toys. You are also learning how to take deep breaths and accept that sometimes things won't go your way. The other day you took a drink out of Ethan's water bottle. He got mad and yelled at you "Logan! You're not supposed to drink out of my water bottle!" You immediately started crying and said, "yes I can!" and then stopped, became really calm, and said, "You're right. I need to ask first. Ethan, can I drink out of your water bottle?" Ethan, still upset, said "no!" You stayed calm and said, "Okay, you can say no if you want to. That's okay." And you were fine! It was amazing. You have come a long way in being able to control your emotions, and we work on it a lot, but I am just so proud of you because I know its not easy. I hold my emotions close to the surface too and I often still struggle to control myself. I'm just proud of you at almost four being able to do that.

You are a talker! You will talk Mom's ear off, especially in the car, as you explain each and every detail-or alternative-to what you are thinking about! If someone interrupts you or says that they didn't understand something you start all over at the beginning as if they didn't understand the first part. This makes Dad and I chuckle inside because we know how exact you like things. For example, if you say: "Hey Mom, Can you come help me find my lego piece?" And I say, "help you find what?" You will start over, "Hey, Mom? Can you come help me find my lego piece?" And sometimes if you feel I'm not listening you will say, "Hey, Mom? Hey, Mom? Hey, Mom" over and over and over again until I answer satisfactorily, which funnily enough is not a nod of my head or a "Yes, Logan?" or sometimes even a "What Logan?" its whatever you were expecting me to say! Which sometimes leave me confused as to what you want. But i just love how precise you are about things.

You have big blue eyes that are so expressive. I love to see your face as you talk and explain things. You love to give your Momma hugs and kisses. You love to be tickled and chased. You love to get belly bloopers and snuggles. You LOVE to laugh, giggle, be silly, and TEASE EVERYONE. Especially Clara. Clara adores you and follows you everywhere. She doesn't necessarily love all the teasing but she does love it when you pay attention to her. Ethan loves to be with you too. You guys are brothers so you fight sometimes, but more often then not you get along very well and love to be together. You are so excited for Ethan to get home from school so you can play with him and I love to see you interacting.

You love to wrestle and run around and be silly, but you also love to sit and play with toys and Legos and read books. Sometimes you just sit and talk to yourself or play with your hands. I love how I can tell you are really thinking while you do that. You are definitely a deep thinker already. You love to ask questions and think about things from all different angles. It is a gift you have that I'm sure will help you in life.

I hope you know how very much I love you. When I think of you my heart bursts to fullness with emotion. You are the sweetest, darlingest boy and I can't get enough of you.

Love,

Mom

1st Anniversary of Ethan's Volvulus

It was a year ago today that Ethan was so sick. I've been pretty emotional all day as I've spent time writing some letters to thank the ER staff and doctors who worked on Ethan and just spent time remembering all that happened. I've replayed everything that happened countless times in my mind this past year. Most often I replay things and think about each point where something could have gone differently. Sometimes I think about how it could have gone better-about how we could have brought Ethan in sooner. But mostly I think about how things could easily have gone worse. What if my mom wasn't there when Ethan passed out? Trent and I weren't even looking at him-we were discussing how much longer we should wait to take him in. What if we hadn't even seen him? What if, what if, what if...and then I have to stop before I make myself too sick inside. I don't really feel guilt anymore, like I used to. I used to feel such guilt. Mostly about why I didn't know how sick he really was and why didn't I bring him in sooner. Guilt about how I was so tired the night he was throwing up; that because he was writhing in pain and kicking me I left him in his bed to go sleep in mine. Then when I woke up to check on him he was lying in bed with Logan and throw up was all on his floor, the hallway and the bathroom. It was just liquid mostly. Pretty much all the food had been thrown up hours before. I felt frustrated with him being sick instead of realizing that he was literally dying in front of me and was in the worst pain he will probably ever feel and he needed all the comfort I could give him. I get anxiety thinking about how close we came to losing him. How little time he had left when we finally got him to the hospital. I used to agonize about it. Now I just try to push it from my mind when it comes to me because I know how pointless that thinking is.

I am grateful. I really, really am. My first thoughts about Ethan and that incident are just that I am so, so glad he is still here. I look at him breathing as he sleeps in bed and I think about how fragile life is. About how terrible it would be to hold him and not feel his chest rising and falling. About how awful it would have been to leave my boy's dead body at the hospital and go home. I know I could not have born it. I would have died inside. I never would have forgiven myself for not bringing him in sooner. I could hardly forgive myself as it was. Let alone if the worst had happened. I'm crying just thinking about it. But after gratitude my thoughts are just filled with anxiety. About how close we came. And it makes me feel physically ill inside.

There were many miracles that occurred that week. Most of them had to do with saving Ethan's life, but one saved my life from myself and my thoughts. All the doctors and nurses we talked to said Ethan would take at least seven days to recover, maybe more. We flew out of Kalispell on a Sunday night so I assumed we'd be leave Spokane the next Monday at the earliest. Well Ethan recovered so quickly, and then on Saturday morning they told us we could go home. We could hardly believe it! Already?! We drove home and went to church the next day. All week I had been feeling that guilt I just wrote about. Just making myself sick over everything I could possibly think of that I could have done better. I was just sick. I knew I'd never forgive myself. And there was a part of me that liked this-I think I felt like maybe it would prevent it from happening again, prevent me from failing again if I kept that guilt inside of me. If I reminded myself that it was my fault that my sweet, precious boy had almost died. But then I went to church that morning and heard a talk that changed me. I knew that very morning that Ethan had recovered so quickly so that I could be there to hear Stephen Jerman's youth talk that morning. Stephen Jerman was 13 years old but when he was done Trent and I looked at each other and said that it could have been a talk given at General Conference. The topic he spoke on must have been something about us choosing our attitudes and he told this story-The parable of the two wolves:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

All I heard about the evil wolf was: sorrow, self-pity, and especially guilt. And about the good wolf I heard peace and humility. The Spirit told me this was true and I realized that if I kept going on this path of guilt that I was on that I would slowly destroy myself and my life. I needed to feed the love, self-acceptance, and kindness towards myself, I needed to humble myself and I needed to forgive myself. After that whenever I wanted to indulge my guilt and beat myself up I would tell myself that I could not feed that wolf. As much as part of me wanted to I could not do it. It would destroy me. And I would try as best I could to tell myself that it was okay. That I was okay. That everything had worked out okay and that maybe it had worked out exactly as God had planned it. And then I started to accept it. And then I started to believe it. And slowly I came out of the cycle of blaming and guilting myself. I know that that talk was for me. And I talked to Stephen's mom about how much his talk had helped me. She told me that Stephen had taken his talk very seriously and had spent a lot of time preparing it. I know that he was directed by the Lord to know what to say that day. And that the Lord got me home to hear it. The Spirit really had to soften my heart so that I would listen and follow that counsel but I know that it saved my spiritual life that day. It saved me from myself and the very dark path that I was on.