To four year old Logan

Logan,

Oh my, you are a goofball. You have always been my sweet, tender, darling boy and then you had to go and turn four and turn into this goofy, button pushing, giggly boy! You love to be chased and you love to be tickled. You still have a serious, thoughtful side to you but I think that you are getting so comfortable with the world around you that you can be sillier than you ever have been.

I wanted to write about what a deep thinker you are. When you calm down from all your silliness you share with Dad and I some pretty amazing thoughts that are swirling around in that little blonde head of yours.

You're teachers at church just love you. Technically you should still be a sunbeam but we put you in Primary a year early. We weren't going to, we didn't want to be those parents. But you cried every Sunday after moving to Montana you did NOT want to go to nursery. You have always been uncomfortable around people you don't know well, but even after 10 months in the ward you just wouldn't go to nursery without a lot of tears. In the month of December, before you turned 3, every time we would tell you it was Sunday and we had to get ready for church you would break down in tears and scream and cry and tell us that you WERE NOT going to church. It became so bad. I couldn't bear that you hated church at such a young age! The Primary president knew all about you told us to just move you up to Primary early if we thought it would help you. I politely declined saying you would be fine. But that first Sunday in January you cried the most you ever had about getting ready for church, it was like you were traumatized! So before I could even think I said, "Guess what?? Today you get to go to Primary with Ethan!" You stopped crying immediately. "I do?? YAY!!" You were so excited you threw on your church clothes, immediately loved your Sunbeam teachers whom you had never met, and never complained about church again! (well, at least not for a very long time :)). Anyway, despite the fact that you shouldn't be in CTR 4 you are often the only kid in your class that shows up for Primary. You have had several teachers over the past year and a half but they have always been impressed by you. They tell me stories about amazing and funny things you have said. Here are a few:

One teacher started her lesson by telling a story: "There once was a boy that went into a store with his Mom. In the store he put a piece of candy in his pocket and took it home without paying for it. What did the boy do wrong?" You responded: "He ate candy, and candy makes you weak!" Haha, your teacher laughed but corrected you and said, "No, he was stealing candy!" We've been learning the 10 commandments at home and you immediately shouted out: "Thou shalt not steal, and thou shalt not covet!"

Every Sunday Dad reads Bible stories to you kids out of an illustrated Bible book set we have. You and Ethan know so many Bible stories because of it-some of them I have never heard of! One week in class your teacher started to tell a story out of the manual about a man she had never heard of. She started telling that story of a man who wanted to see Jesus but he was too short so he climbed into a tree so that he could see Jesus as he passed by. You got excited and interrupted, "yeah, that's Zacchaeus!" and then you proceeded to tell about how nobody liked him because he cheated people out of money, etc, and how Jesus wanted to eat dinner with him and he repented and changed and then the people liked him. Your teacher was amazed that you knew this random Bible story!

During singing time in Primary we were singing Nephi's Courage. We got to the line that says, "when I'm discouraged" and Sister Kaltschmidt asked if anyone knew what discouraged meant. You were the only kid that raised his hand. She asked you what it meant and you said, "discouraged means that you couldn't do something and you feel sad, but you can just keep trying and maybe you'll be able to do it!" All the adults made an "ahhh" sound at such a wise answer from a little four-year-old.

During scripture study you often get serious and start talking about thoughts you have been having. Sometimes I don't know what in the world you are talking about ;), but sometimes you say the most profound things! The other night you said, "Dad, Satan knows what is right, he just wants us to do what is wrong." It wasn't a question. Ethan, sitting on the top bunk, scoffed a little, "no he doesn't!" he said. Then we explained to Ethan that you were right-Satan knows exactly what is right, he just doesn't want us to be happy. You have such a wise spirit-you understand so much at such a young age!

You've learned this year about how a sign with a picture covered by a circle with a line crossed through it means that that thing in the picture is not allowed (like a no smoking sign). I was driving along with you kids in May and we crossed some railroad tracks. You noticed the Railroad Crossing Sign (the one with the two Rs and the crossing X). You said to me, "Mom! That sign said 'No Rs on the road', but that's silly," he gave a little giggle, "because Rs are letters and they can't drive!"

Lolo turned four!

Lolo,

My sweet, darling boy. You turned four! I can't believe it. For some reason it is easier for me to believe that my oldest kid will grow up, but not you. I can't believe you aren't a baby any more.

I love you with all of my heart. You are your own unique boy and Dad and I just love who you are. Sometimes, when you do or say something, we just laugh and shake our heads and say: "That is SO Logan!" You are particular about things. At Christmas and your birthday when you receive presents you keep them all close together and will not tolerate anyone touching or moving them. You have an order to your things and you always know where to find them. And your toys always get put away on there shelf where they go.

You are a sensitive boy. You feel things deeply. You can get hurt feelings but you also care about what other people are feeling. If anyone looks sad you will hug and kiss them or share your toys. You are also learning how to take deep breaths and accept that sometimes things won't go your way. The other day you took a drink out of Ethan's water bottle. He got mad and yelled at you "Logan! You're not supposed to drink out of my water bottle!" You immediately started crying and said, "yes I can!" and then stopped, became really calm, and said, "You're right. I need to ask first. Ethan, can I drink out of your water bottle?" Ethan, still upset, said "no!" You stayed calm and said, "Okay, you can say no if you want to. That's okay." And you were fine! It was amazing. You have come a long way in being able to control your emotions, and we work on it a lot, but I am just so proud of you because I know its not easy. I hold my emotions close to the surface too and I often still struggle to control myself. I'm just proud of you at almost four being able to do that.

You are a talker! You will talk Mom's ear off, especially in the car, as you explain each and every detail-or alternative-to what you are thinking about! If someone interrupts you or says that they didn't understand something you start all over at the beginning as if they didn't understand the first part. This makes Dad and I chuckle inside because we know how exact you like things. For example, if you say: "Hey Mom, Can you come help me find my lego piece?" And I say, "help you find what?" You will start over, "Hey, Mom? Can you come help me find my lego piece?" And sometimes if you feel I'm not listening you will say, "Hey, Mom? Hey, Mom? Hey, Mom" over and over and over again until I answer satisfactorily, which funnily enough is not a nod of my head or a "Yes, Logan?" or sometimes even a "What Logan?" its whatever you were expecting me to say! Which sometimes leave me confused as to what you want. But i just love how precise you are about things.

You have big blue eyes that are so expressive. I love to see your face as you talk and explain things. You love to give your Momma hugs and kisses. You love to be tickled and chased. You love to get belly bloopers and snuggles. You LOVE to laugh, giggle, be silly, and TEASE EVERYONE. Especially Clara. Clara adores you and follows you everywhere. She doesn't necessarily love all the teasing but she does love it when you pay attention to her. Ethan loves to be with you too. You guys are brothers so you fight sometimes, but more often then not you get along very well and love to be together. You are so excited for Ethan to get home from school so you can play with him and I love to see you interacting.

You love to wrestle and run around and be silly, but you also love to sit and play with toys and Legos and read books. Sometimes you just sit and talk to yourself or play with your hands. I love how I can tell you are really thinking while you do that. You are definitely a deep thinker already. You love to ask questions and think about things from all different angles. It is a gift you have that I'm sure will help you in life.

I hope you know how very much I love you. When I think of you my heart bursts to fullness with emotion. You are the sweetest, darlingest boy and I can't get enough of you.

Love,

Mom

1st Anniversary of Ethan's Volvulus

It was a year ago today that Ethan was so sick. I've been pretty emotional all day as I've spent time writing some letters to thank the ER staff and doctors who worked on Ethan and just spent time remembering all that happened. I've replayed everything that happened countless times in my mind this past year. Most often I replay things and think about each point where something could have gone differently. Sometimes I think about how it could have gone better-about how we could have brought Ethan in sooner. But mostly I think about how things could easily have gone worse. What if my mom wasn't there when Ethan passed out? Trent and I weren't even looking at him-we were discussing how much longer we should wait to take him in. What if we hadn't even seen him? What if, what if, what if...and then I have to stop before I make myself too sick inside. I don't really feel guilt anymore, like I used to. I used to feel such guilt. Mostly about why I didn't know how sick he really was and why didn't I bring him in sooner. Guilt about how I was so tired the night he was throwing up; that because he was writhing in pain and kicking me I left him in his bed to go sleep in mine. Then when I woke up to check on him he was lying in bed with Logan and throw up was all on his floor, the hallway and the bathroom. It was just liquid mostly. Pretty much all the food had been thrown up hours before. I felt frustrated with him being sick instead of realizing that he was literally dying in front of me and was in the worst pain he will probably ever feel and he needed all the comfort I could give him. I get anxiety thinking about how close we came to losing him. How little time he had left when we finally got him to the hospital. I used to agonize about it. Now I just try to push it from my mind when it comes to me because I know how pointless that thinking is.

I am grateful. I really, really am. My first thoughts about Ethan and that incident are just that I am so, so glad he is still here. I look at him breathing as he sleeps in bed and I think about how fragile life is. About how terrible it would be to hold him and not feel his chest rising and falling. About how awful it would have been to leave my boy's dead body at the hospital and go home. I know I could not have born it. I would have died inside. I never would have forgiven myself for not bringing him in sooner. I could hardly forgive myself as it was. Let alone if the worst had happened. I'm crying just thinking about it. But after gratitude my thoughts are just filled with anxiety. About how close we came. And it makes me feel physically ill inside.

There were many miracles that occurred that week. Most of them had to do with saving Ethan's life, but one saved my life from myself and my thoughts. All the doctors and nurses we talked to said Ethan would take at least seven days to recover, maybe more. We flew out of Kalispell on a Sunday night so I assumed we'd be leave Spokane the next Monday at the earliest. Well Ethan recovered so quickly, and then on Saturday morning they told us we could go home. We could hardly believe it! Already?! We drove home and went to church the next day. All week I had been feeling that guilt I just wrote about. Just making myself sick over everything I could possibly think of that I could have done better. I was just sick. I knew I'd never forgive myself. And there was a part of me that liked this-I think I felt like maybe it would prevent it from happening again, prevent me from failing again if I kept that guilt inside of me. If I reminded myself that it was my fault that my sweet, precious boy had almost died. But then I went to church that morning and heard a talk that changed me. I knew that very morning that Ethan had recovered so quickly so that I could be there to hear Stephen Jerman's youth talk that morning. Stephen Jerman was 13 years old but when he was done Trent and I looked at each other and said that it could have been a talk given at General Conference. The topic he spoke on must have been something about us choosing our attitudes and he told this story-The parable of the two wolves:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

All I heard about the evil wolf was: sorrow, self-pity, and especially guilt. And about the good wolf I heard peace and humility. The Spirit told me this was true and I realized that if I kept going on this path of guilt that I was on that I would slowly destroy myself and my life. I needed to feed the love, self-acceptance, and kindness towards myself, I needed to humble myself and I needed to forgive myself. After that whenever I wanted to indulge my guilt and beat myself up I would tell myself that I could not feed that wolf. As much as part of me wanted to I could not do it. It would destroy me. And I would try as best I could to tell myself that it was okay. That I was okay. That everything had worked out okay and that maybe it had worked out exactly as God had planned it. And then I started to accept it. And then I started to believe it. And slowly I came out of the cycle of blaming and guilting myself. I know that that talk was for me. And I talked to Stephen's mom about how much his talk had helped me. She told me that Stephen had taken his talk very seriously and had spent a lot of time preparing it. I know that he was directed by the Lord to know what to say that day. And that the Lord got me home to hear it. The Spirit really had to soften my heart so that I would listen and follow that counsel but I know that it saved my spiritual life that day. It saved me from myself and the very dark path that I was on.

Everything is going well here with us. Clara can successfully walk about 5-10 steps before falling down! She has been doing this daily for about a week and a half now but she still prefers crawling if she actually wants to get somewhere because she knows that is much faster :). The boys just adore her and try to "help" her when she stands up by going over and putting their arms around her. I don't know how they think they are helping, but Clara hates it haha! I'm sure that is another reason she would rather crawl!

We went on a family bike ride over Memorial Day weekend up in Glacier Park. Logan and Clara rode in our bike trailer but Ethan rode his bike. We rode for over an hour and Ethan rode the whole time and kept up with Trent and I! That kid has some serious energy ;). It was so fun though. Trent and I are trying to make more of an effort to do wholesome recreational activities as a family. Its funny how busy life can get and time will just pass you by if you don't schedule the important stuff.

Well, here are some pictures:

This girl loves to eat dirt! She will just stick entire dirt clods in her mouth...ew. She just loves to be outside looking at trees and playing in the dirt. She takes after Trent I guess ;).

We went on a family hike a couple weeks ago.

Logan bothering Clara by pulling her feet out from under her. He has become THE BIGGEST TEASE. If he is bored he just starts teasing everyone but especially Clara. Clara LOVES the boys but her patience with Logan is pretty short, haha!

Lolo fell asleep watching Star Wars :)

Trent fell asleep like this :), and Logan was "hiding" under him.

We gave up binkies!!!

I know, I know we should have done it a long time ago but I think I was the one who wasn't ready. Plus, I wanted to take it away from both kids at the same time so I think this ended up being the best time for us.

A few months ago I started being better about only allowing Ethan to have a binky at nap time. Although we didn't know when we were going to take the binky away we did tell him a few times that we were going to have to take it away soon. We also told him that we would buy him a lego set after he had gone a whole week without a binky, more as a way of saying good job and congratulations than as bribery. I thought the hardest parts would be sleep time (of course) and church (where we also let Ethan use a binky to keep him calm). I knew I wanted take them away on a Monday so that they had as long as possible to adjust before church. Logan was never really attached. He slept with it sometimes but mostly he liked to have it while in his car seat (because he hates his car seat). Two weeks before we took it away Logan got a little cold and he started using a binky more often. Then the week before we took them away I noticed that Logan was finding binkies and putting them in his mouth for the first time. He normally just played with them in his hands but when I saw him starting to always put it in his mouth I started to get worried about him getting addicted to his binky. Plus Ethan was begging for his constantly and I did not like that. I figured Ethan would never nap again but I decided I would have to learn to live with that. On Sunday, December 30th I made a last minute decision and told Ethan that it was his last night with a binky. I don't think he believed me although he did cry in protest for a little bit. He asked me why so I told him that the binky was hurting his teeth and the doctor said he needed to be done with using a binky. The next morning I took hid all the binkies. Ethan asked for it briefly a couple times in the morning but I told him they were gone. I don't think he was really listening. Logan cried for an hour during his first nap and then slept for less than 30 minutes. My heart was breaking. This was going to be harder than I thought. But I knew I couldn't stop now. Then the next time I tried to take them away it would be even harder. I actually gave him his binky for his second nap so that he wouldn't get too overtired. But that was the last time. I didn't even attempt to put him down for a nap because I knew there would be crying.  During the middle of his normal nap time he started crying for his binky. I told him that there were no more-that Daddy had taken both his and Logan's binkies to work and thrown them away. And that there would be no more binkies. He cried for only a minute or two and I mourned with him (hey, this was hard for me too! Those were my go-to calming devices!). I almost started crying and told him that I knew it was hard that that he was so strong and could do it. I said I was sorry repeatedly. I realized when he calmed down quickly that he really appreciated me being sad with him. He didn't mention binkies again until bedtime. Logan cried for 30 seconds at bed time. I don't think he has even noticed at all since then. We knew Ethan would have a hard time going down so instead of trying to put him down we just let him crash. We got him ready for bed as normal but we told him he could keep his light on and play for as long as he wanted. He came out crying just a few times, and he came out excited to show us what he was doing a few times as well. At one point when he was crying he said, "I want to buy more binkies." I told him that we were going to go a whole week first and then maybe we would buy more. Trent got upset about that, but I told him that I just felt like I didn't want Ethan to feel like it was the end of the world. I wanted him to have hope he would sleep easily again. Finally after 10:00 PM he crashed. No more crying. I was amazed. That was a lot less crying on the first day than I would have anticipated even in my most optimistic of dreams. I think the key was that Logan wasn't too addicted yet and that Ethan knew there were no more in the house. If Logan had still had his binky I am sure that Ethan would have just begged for one of his. This way he had to accept that there was literally no way to get one.
The next two days were about the same. I think the third day was the hardest. He would ask me periodically for his binky and each time I would give him a sincere hug and tell him I was sorry; there were no more binkies. Ethan was getting progressively more tired each day but I knew he would catch up later. Then, on Friday he did something totally unexpected. He put himself down for a nap. Then again on Saturday and Sunday! The worst of it was over and it hadn't even been that bad! Whew!
We, of course, have had him ask for a binky a few times after that (and he may have briefly cried for 3 seconds or so) but mostly he has been fine. It's funny because sometimes it is ME that wants to grab one for him or Logan even though I can see that they are doing fine without it. I am so thankful that it went so well.

This is the last picture I have of both of them with their binkies. Brotherly love ;).

2013, a year in review...

This past year has been one of huge blessings and sweet tender mercies.

We lived our first year in our first house. Trent and I have spent so many hours trying to make our house perfect for us. We put in a new backyard (its almost finished!!), we added to the existing shelf set by putting another set of shelves in our pantry. We got that hot pink room painted brown and blue so that Logan could finally move in. We have mostly organized where things go and have cleared out a bunch of things that we don't need. We even finally put together our living room and hung up pictures (I don't know why we always take so long to do that)! We love this house more now then we did when we bought it, which I think is a really good sign ;). I am so grateful that we found this house and were able to move in when we did. It has felt like a miracle in our lives.

Logan was the first great blessing of the year. He was born on January 6th last year. Trent was ecstatic to add another boy into the family and he has not been disappointed by Logan at all. He is Logan's favorite. Logan would rather be with him than with anyone else. Logan LOVES balls and will already play "catch" by rolling you the ball, him catching it and throwing/bouncing it back to you. This last week he even stood up with a ball next to our little hoop and tried to make a basket! He definitely watches his daddy and Ethan! I feel so blessed that Ethan and Logan are already little buddies. Ethan loves to play with his little brother and he can make Logan laugh more readily than I can! Just yesterday they locked themselves in my walk in closet (which is a small room) and they played in there for almost 40 minutes. Every time I would open the door to check on them they were laughing with each other. Ethan would show me what they were doing and then ask me to leave and shut the door again. It makes my heart melt to see them being such good friends.

It is hard sometimes to be away from close family but in other ways it is wonderful. We have made some amazing friends down here and have learned how to trust and rely on people that we have only known for a short time. I honestly don't think I would ever have formed such strong friendships if we had family close by. I mostly feel blessed that we could find such wonderful people that liked us back ;). It has also been good for Trent and I's relationship. We are each other's confidant down here and we have really come to rely on each other and support each other even more. It has been really great.

In July of this year Trent and I started working about 10 hours a week for a couple in our ward. This couple is amazing. A few years ago they had an idea to make a heat-shrink home canning label. Over a period of time they researched doing it and put the product into production. Their business took off way faster than they ever expected and they needed help to keep up with it all. The husband used to be our bishop and he had worked with Trent and thought we would could do a good job. The wife was feeling very overwhelmed one day and just had the impression: The Spratlings can help. We are thrilled to be working with them. We are learning a lot about starting a small business and all the work that goes into it. We hope to someday to start our own business and I think that what we have learned will help us be successful at that in the future.

We had a bounteous garden this fall and it was so much fun to grow! I have always known I would have one when I grew up but I was pretty impatient last summer. It was so great to see that become a reality. We grew tomatoes, jalapenos, chilis, watermelon, zucchini and squash and learned a lot about what works here and what doesn't. Hopefully next year will be even better!

We are so grateful for Heavenly Father's blessings.

I love this season!

This month has already had so much fun in it that I can't believe the best is yet to come! Our neighbors and good friends, the Grahams, also have no family close by and so we decided that for each others anniversaries we will swap kids so we can each spend a night away at a hotel. We decided to add in an extra swap because Trent's boss invited the wives of the employees who attended their strategic planning session this year to stay come join their husbands up at a fancy resort outside of Albuquerque. Trent attended this strategic planning session last time but Logan was only three weeks old so we ended up bringing him and Ethan. Not very fun. So it was wonderful to get to go alone with Trent this time.Trent's meeting was Thursday and Friday and I drove up Friday to meet him. We ate an amazing dinner buffet (Trent's favorite was the prime rib, of course) and talked for hours with his coworkers and their wives. The people we were seated next to were so fun and I seriously cannot remember having more fun talking to strangers! I guess they weren't strangers to Trent, and I had met three of those sitting near us before, but still for as much as I knew about them they could have been strangers to me ;).

We were invited to a Christmas party put on by some friends in our ward and we had so much fun at that as well. It was an Ugly Sweater Party with some games and a white elephant gift exchange. I have always liked going places with Trent (obviously ;)) but since we have had a kids I don't get many chances to be in public with him without our children. Being at these two events have reminded me how entertaining he can be when he is in a group! He had me and other people laughing at his stories, and no one would expect him to have been the kid to go to detention all the time so I think that makes it especially entertaining. Anyway, it was just good for my soul to spend some time with Trent and other adults and it just reminded me of a part of him that I haven't seen in awhile.

Isn't he cute with his cal-lick combed down? :) He hated it, but although I prefer his cal-lick, I think the bangs lend him some boyish charm ;). 

Seriously though, I love this time of year. I feel like people are happier, Christmas songs are playing everywhere you go, and the love of the Savior is once again touching those who have drifted away during the year. It is just beautiful. I don't even want Christmas to come because then the season will be over. I generally dislike to be cold, but there is a warmth at Christmastime that overcomes the weather and permeates deep inside of me, warming me inside and out. I don't mind winter so much knowing that there is Christmas in its depths.