To Eleven Year Old Ethan

Oh, my Ethan. You are eleven! Last night we sat and talked about what happened the day before you were born and the events leading up to your birth. It was quite the whirlwind of events. I had no idea what motherhood would bring me then. It has turned out to be the best part of my life.

When you were four Dad and I would think about how when you were 12 you would be old enough to babysit. Around your ninth birthday we mourned a little bit because we thought you would never be "mature" enough to babysit. By the time you were 10 we couldn't believe how much you had changed and grown up! We started leaving you at home by yourself or with Logan while I went to the store. While the pandemic was going on I was trying to sell the second of a set of townhomes we built and I had to meet up with potential buyers during the day. I would leave you home while Cohen napped and you older three watched a movie and you did such a good job! This spring Dad and I went on a couple of dates out to dinner while you stayed home in charge of the other three kids and watched a movie. It was so fun to know you were responsible enough to handle watching everyone.

 This winter and spring you saw a therapist about 10-12 times and he helped you work on some things you were having trouble with. I know school is long and tedious for you and it wears down on you. Clara also has had a rough year where she has been nearly constantly on steroids and she has been a bear to live with. These things transferred over to you in ways that were making it hard for you to be your best self. You are doing so great now though. I am proud of you.

Now you are 11. Each year you have grown up so much, I am excited to see how much you change and learn this year.

You have so many strengths Ethan. You are quick to understand anything mechanical. We went to the Kaltschmidt's house last year and they had a bike that was broken. You fixed it in minutes and Shanna was so impressed, her husband Eric hadn't been able to figure out what was wrong but you took care of it like it was nothing. Dad's bike got a flat tire and I needed it fixed this past week. Dad was out of town and I knew I would need your help (I've always been afraid of changing a back tire). You helped me get the tire off, found the hole, showed me how to check the tire for the cause of the hole and we found the tire had a huge crack in it. We have an extra bike that we took the tire off of and you manhandled both tires so expertly. You knew where to be rough on it and you popped the tire on better and faster than I was doing! You love following Dad around and tinkering with him and you remember everything. You have impressed me so many times with your knowledge of where things are or how to do things when Dad is gone and I need help. You really are turning into a young man.

You are a goer. You don't like to sit around. You have energy to burn and you need to be moving. Dad said last year at the father-son campout you ran with friends for hours. Around midnight the boys started to calm down and you went to sit on his lap and looked like you were falling asleep-but then some boys ran past and you saw them and off you were again, playing for a few more hours until Dad made you go to bed! Dad said it was like you put in a second set of batteries! A few weeks ago you were out playing until 9:00PM at Lucas Sherrill's. Katie texted at around that time asking if you could just stay the night. You stayed up and played for awhile yet and stayed over. Then you and Lucas came back to our house and we went mountain biking in the morning. When that was over we went to Nana's to get the littles and played there a bit. After Lucas went home you were raring to go still and wanted more friends to come over! Everybody else needed down time and you were ready for more fun and excitement!

You are such a good helper. You are getting better at being thorough in your chores. You know how Dad likes things put away and done in the yard and you can take care of so many things. You treat Logan like a peer and don't have a ton of extra patience for him (but you guys have become such good friends over the past two years) but you can be so sweet to Clara and especially Cohen. Cohen adores you and wants to be with you all the time. 

You have faith in the gospel. You aren't a big talker so I don't always know what is going on in your brain but when you share about the gospel you are very matter of fact and you clearly have faith. For years you have said you would never serve a mission because you didn't want to miss out on what was going on at home. During this past year we have made an effort to share about our missions more and several young men who you admire have gone on or are planning on going on missions during the last year and during this last year you started saying "if" I go on a mission. Just a few weeks ago you said "when I go, you know, if I do". It has been a neat little transformation to watch. We would never force you to go and if you decide not to we will understand, but we just didn't want you making that decision as a 9 year old self.

You always have plenty of things to do with Dad. Dirt biking, yard work, garage work and tinkering. But you and I don't always have a lot to do together. Last summer we started mountain biking together and it was so fun! You would chat with me in the car on the drives to and from and it was the closest I have felt to you in awhile. Dad and I also read Harry Potter to you guys this winter and you would snuggle up to me to listen every night and I LOVED it. I am so glad you are still wanting to sit with me and I will take advantage as long as it lasts.

Thanks for being such a good kid. Dad and I aren't perfect, and we are making a lot of our parenting mistakes on you since you are our first to go through so many experiences. We are sorry about that. We appreciate how resilient you are and we hope that you can keep growing into the awesome young man that you are despite our mistakes.

We love you so much. We are so grateful for the energy and drive you bring into our house. Thank you for being who you are. 

Love, Mom

To Six Year Old Clara

 Oh, my baby girl.

This year has been a rough one. Even though it has been just over three years since you were diagnosed with nephrotic syndrome, this year has been the toughest. I had been so optimistic through it all. I knew the Lord would take care of you. I trusted that we would have a best case scenario and that you wouldn't relapse again. And then that the first medication (after prednisone) Mycophenolate would work for you. Then after a year and a half of that working I was sure the next one, Tacrolimus, would work. There was a six month period where it was working, but then you were complaining about stomach aches a lot last May so I took you in for a blood draw to check your Tacro trough levels. Well they were high. We dropped the dose and you started relapsing again. And again. And again. Your blood draws showed such inconsistent levels and we were constantly adjusting. You have had over 20 blood draws this past year. That is probably an underestimate. You ended up in the hospital in September because after you started relapsing the prednisone just wasn't working fast enough and you retained too much water. They had to give you infusions of albumin and lasix. Then you kept relapsing. So we had to schedule a kidney biopsy in January and then infusions to try the third and final drug available for your condition. I was a mess for months leading up to it. I have been so worried about it if would work or not and if the these Retuxin infusions worked that would mean your immune system would be wiped out. Its terrifying. But what choice did we have? You were an emotional mess because of the steroids and the doctors and you were miserable at home. We did the infusions in February. Once a week for four weeks we went in for 10 hour long infusions. Those days were long and hard on both you and me. But the instant the last one was over with it was like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders and your anxiety was gone. You were lighter and happier and our household started to get along again. You have been in therapy since November too which I think has helped you immensely. 

We did a blood draw a few weeks ago to get a B-cell panel done and you have a zero count of B-cells! That is good news because it means the infusions worked and hopefully you can go 6-18 months without relapsing! At the same time I know that B-cells are an important part of your immune system and I am sick to my stomach that you had to do this drastic of therapy. The good news is though, that in March we got COVID-19 and you were definitely sicker than the other kids but you still did quite well through it. And we just had a cold this past weekend and you were sicker longer than the other kids but you have pulled out it just fine. And the best part is that you haven't relapsed! It seems as though every time you get sick, you relapse and become nephrotic again-but not since the infusions. I'm starting to feel relief for sure.

You are such a spunky little thing. You know your own mind and you aren't afraid to share it. It's hard some times, but you are so good at communicating that you can explain your position very eloquently and you can listen to other people's sides as well.

You have a hard time being the only girl. You want the boys to play dolls and make up with you (and Cohen is happy to most of the time) but you still wish you had a sister. I wish you had one too. But you are tough and you love your brothers.

You got your ears pierced on your birthday. You have wanted to for months. I am so proud of you. You were afraid of the needle and of it hurting and I didn't know if you would go through with it. I was a little surprised because I didn't know if you would willing get poked after so many medical pokes but you kept your cool even though I could tell that it hurt and you had some tears forming in your eyes. And when you were done you were so excited and I knew that you were proud of yourself. I'm proud of you too. 

I am so glad I have you. Your spunk and sass sure add to our life and our family. You say the most clever things and make Dad and I laugh every day. I can't imagine my life without my darling daughter. We have so much fun together and I can't wait for all the adventures we will get to do together!

Love, 

Mom

To Eight Year Old Logan

You are eight years old today. I can hardly believe it. You have so, so many strengths. You are advanced in every subject in school. You not only absorb information like a sponge, you also mull that information around in your head constantly which means you have such deep thoughts for a kid your age. You understand so very much. A year ago you were nervous about getting baptized. We had talked about it being a serious commitment and I think that made you think twice. For about five months you told us that you didn't know if you would get baptized at age 8, maybe you would wait until you were 9 or 10, which we said would be up to you. About seven months ago we started reading the lessons in Preach My Gospel with you in depth. You already knew a lot but it was good to take our time and dive deep into each lesson. At the end Dad challenged you to get baptized and you accepted. You really took your time thinking about it and learning and understanding, and you finally decided you were ready. I am glad you are taking this decision seriously and I am glad you have had several spiritual experiences in the last year that have helped you come to know that God is real and present in your life.

You are also a huge tease. You know just how to push Ethan and Clara's buttons. You love to get a rise out of our family members-even Dad, Cohen and I! You adore Ethan and want to do everything with him. You are kind and loving to Clara most of the time too. When she needs someone to play with you will willing play whatever game she wants to. Cohen doesn't like to snuggle with you (he knows what a tease you are!) but when he wants some rough housing, giggly play he almost always seeks you out to play! He thinks you are so fun!

I feel bad sometimes that you are the "middle" child. Ethan gets a lot of attention just because he is the oldest and so the first to do many things. Clara is our only girl and has her kidney disease which all gives her lots of attention. And Cohen, being the baby, gets endless attention from all you kids but also lots of attention from me that he needs. Sometimes I worry I am not giving you all the attention you need. But you are thriving. Just when I think I am not doing a good job as a parent you will come up and hug me and thank me for being a good mom. You are the first to be a peacemaker. You are often the first to say sorry or the first to serve. You can get angry and mad but you know how to change your attitude around and forgive. I am so grateful for what you bring to our family. You are one special kid. I seriously don't know what I would do without you. You ground me and, without knowing it, you give me strength to face the hard days. You have been a light in our life since the day you were born and you continue to bring joy in ways I could have never imagined. Thank you for being YOU. Who you are is so precious to me.